Productivity Above All Else

I started a new job recently, and I'm in that awkward period of feeling heavily reliant on everyone else around me for directions. I have known for a long time now that I do not like to experience the feeling of asking for help (this is another blog post entirely, or perhaps a question best explored with my therapist). I have always been independent, sometimes, I think, to my detriment. I have a deep desire to be self sufficient and capable of handling things on my own.

But when you are new to anything, you inevitably struggle. Even when you know the struggle builds character, and knowledge, and tenacity. Even knowing that my coworkers are patient and kind, warm-hearted, and eager to help, I have a hard time asking for it. I think really what it comes down to is my need to feel in control. Not knowing what to do, not knowing how to help my boss without asking, propels me into the realm of anxiety. What if she thinks I'm needy? What if my coworkers think I'm lazy? What if I struggle and others see it?

What if, no one else judges me as harshly as I judge myself? What if my boss and coworkers are eager to help and answer my questions and show me the ropes? What if the Universe is conspiring for me, and not against me? 

My work is in getting out of my own way, and not valuing myself on my level of productivity. Because after years and years of full-time work concurrent with full-time school, I've finally got some space to breath and invest in the one thing ahead of me: this new job and the opportunities and experiences and growth it will bring. Some days may drag on, and the anxiety will settle in. Other days I'm sure I won't be able to catch my breath due to a seemingly endless to-do list. But each moment I want to savor and experience in the present moment-not in reflection or anticipation. I want to be in the moment. 


This Time Last Year

This time last year
I was drowning in grief
I spent almost every waking moment analyzing
My heart ached and my mind raced
Days were spent working at a summer camp I couldn't give myself to
Each day felt like a rollercoaster ride of emotions

This time last year
I was lost and alone
I couldn't think of anyone who had gone through my specific turmoil to connect to
I cried and I prayed
I took long road trips with no destination in mind
My eyes took in the beauty that unfolded around me
And for a moment
I was comforted

This time last year
I began collecting crystals and using them as physical reminders
To let go
To heal
To believe in myself and my path
To continue to trust my intuition
To stay grounded 
and to release

Today I am starting a new job
Today I step into a position working with young girls
Today I see the reason for last year's departure
Today I begin to understand a little bit of the why behind the trauma

Today I open up my heart to new situations that are

Today I say yes

Today I begin again

Coming Up on the Finish Line

This week is my last with the summer program I've been working at. I'll start in my new position July 17th...which gives me a week off to finish writing my first draft of my thesis.


I've been "writing my thesis" for the past year now. And although I've got most of the research/reading/notes out of the way, I still have not organized it or put it into my own words to argue for my thesis. I've always been one to procrastinate. I used to feel bad about this character trait. Until I realized that I truly do my best work when I'm under the wire. My brain turns into overdrive and although I'm stressed, the quality of my work is far greater this way. 

There's so much temptation to just not finish my masters program. In reality, I'm frustrated with myself for going through this program in the first place. At one time I thought about getting my masters in counseling, but the time commitment scared me. Not the mention the whole reason for going to grad school was so that I could stay with the kids I was nannying at the time for a couple more years without feeling like a loser for being 25 and a nanny. But this is a whole other post...

My grandmother paid for my tuition during grad school (and undergrad. Shout out to my amazing grandmother!!). That's a huge reason for following through and finishing. But even more than that, I need to finish this degree for me. I need to close that chapter of my life-which I believe is the final thing keeping me entrenched in my grief over losing my relationships with the kids I nannied. 

So here I go. Pray for me. Hold me accountable. And don't let me get distracted with memes and youtube videos...May the odds be ever in my favor.


New Page

This week brought the start of a new summer job. I felt all kinds of emotions. This past year has been the toughest of my life so far. So much change. So much growth. SO.MUCH.FEELS. The start of something new (that I had longed for for so long) included both highs and lows. All throughout day one I reminded myself over and over that anything new is scary and unknown for a time. I went into day two with an attitude of acceptance and openness to the experience. Thankfully, the universe gave me a gentle pat on the back and I felt more relaxed and engaged. So much more to come in this new space. As usual, I'll be right here, sharing it all with you (I'm talking to you, mom & Brooke, my only two readers)


On Display

My friend Carolyn has been going through a leadership program for the last six months. She is part of the New Leaders Council-Sacramento Chapter. As we've connected over the last few months she's shared with me how much she's gotten out of the program. It sounds a bit rigorous, in that you give a lot of your evenings and weekends to meet ups and projects and learning. But she's also discovered so much about herself as a leader-both in her career and her personal life. 

About a week and a half ago Carolyn reached out to me with the opportunity to be a featured artist in NLC's fundraiser. Back in April I interviewed and photographed Carolyn for I've Got Your Back. It's a series I've used to focus on the beauty of women both physically through the portrait, and mentally/emotionally/spiritually with the interview. The idea is that even though we may look different, even though we may have different jobs/passions/beliefs, at the end of the day, we should have each others' back. 

I was blown away by the fact that she even thought of me and proposed it to her group. After the initial jaw-drop I immediately said yes. The somewhat unfortunate part was that I would be in New York at the time of the fundraiser event, so I wouldn't actually see my work displayed in person and explain it myself. But Carolyn did such a great job of helping me put together a bio and blurb about the series. She sent me a couple pictures from the night of the event and said people were interested in my work and the goal of the series: to connect women and build community. 

I am beyond ecstatic and giddy about it all. I love getting more and more connected and exposed to the creative communities here in Sacramento. I love that someone else has felt drawn to my work and possibly inspired.