This Time Last Year

This time last year

I was drowning in grief

I spent almost every waking moment analyzing

My heart ached and my mind raced

Days were spent working at a summer camp I couldn't give myself to

Each day felt like a rollercoaster ride of emotions

This time last year

I was lost and alone

I couldn't think of anyone who had gone through my specific turmoil to connect to

I cried and I prayed

I took long road trips with no destination in mind

My eyes took in the beauty that unfolded around me

And for a moment

I was comforted

This time last year

I began collecting crystals and using them as physical reminders

To let go

To heal

To believe in myself and my path

To continue to trust my intuition

To stay grounded 

and to release

Today I am starting a new job

Today I step into a position working with young girls

Today I see the reason for last year's departure

Today I begin to understand a little bit of the why behind the trauma

Today I open up my heart to new situations that are

uncomfortable

scary

foreign

challenging

hopeful

exciting

adventurous

Today I say yes

Today I begin again

Coming Up on the Finish Line

This week is my last with the summer program I've been working at. I'll start in my new position July 17th...which gives me a week off to finish writing my first draft of my thesis.

Yikes.

I've been "writing my thesis" for the past year now. And although I've got most of the research/reading/notes out of the way, I still have not organized it or put it into my own words to argue for my thesis. I've always been one to procrastinate. I used to feel bad about this character trait. Until I realized that I truly do my best work when I'm under the wire. My brain turns into overdrive and although I'm stressed, the quality of my work is far greater this way. 

There's so much temptation to just not finish my masters program. In reality, I'm frustrated with myself for going through this program in the first place. At one time I thought about getting my masters in counseling, but the time commitment scared me. Not the mention the whole reason for going to grad school was so that I could stay with the kids I was nannying at the time for a couple more years without feeling like a loser for being 25 and a nanny. But this is a whole other post...

My grandmother paid for my tuition during grad school (and undergrad. Shout out to my amazing grandmother!!). That's a huge reason for following through and finishing. But even more than that, I need to finish this degree for me. I need to close that chapter of my life-which I believe is the final thing keeping me entrenched in my grief over losing my relationships with the kids I nannied. 

So here I go. Pray for me. Hold me accountable. And don't let me get distracted with memes and youtube videos...May the odds be ever in my favor.

xxo

Perfectionism

This past weekend I met up with a friend at the Crocker Art Museum to hang out and do a casual photoshoot. Over the last few months I've been actively putting myself "out there" into the ether as a professional photographer and earlier in the week I posted to Instagram and Facebook about a meet up on Saturday for a fun shoot. 

Sara and I met through Arden Hot Yoga. She's a teacher and business woman and all around lovely friend to have. We've talked over the last couple months about scheduling a formal shoot to get her some headshots and material to use in promoting her teaching and workshops, but she shared she's been held back by a common fear I think we all have when it comes to having our pictures taken and social media: perfectionism. Not in the sense that she is a perfectionist, but as in the pressure to be perfect in your photos and captions and whit is so overwhelming, that it's easier to stay small and secluded, instead of promoting your skills and passions. 

It's the same pressure I feel to be a perfect photographer, to know all the things about aperture and exposer and ISO. It's the pressure I put on myself to build up my own following and gain attention for my work, without it being in a narcissistic or self-serving way. It's the pressure I feel to find influential people to partner with, but to still keep it real and intimate and more about the human connection than the popularity boost. 

There's some inspirational quote out there that says something like, you'll never experience the beauty of the world if you don't let go of the shore. Cheesy, but true. We'll never know the full extent of our power, creativity, vulnerability, influence, etc. if we don't first put ourselves into uncomfortable and challenging situations. Those moments when you can be completely comfortable and confident with where you're at and what you have-those are some of the sweetest moments in this whole experience of life...

xxo

Upside Down

I started practicing yoga about eight years ago. It quickly became my main source of community. I threw myself into volunteering, workshops, classes, and connection. I began to feel good about my body again. I had some pretty powerful God moments on my mat. And most of all, I learned more about taking care of myself and finding balance.

Many of my teachers say that how you do anything is how you do everything. The work I put in on my yoga mat transferred into every other area of life. I became more open minded and accepting of others. I felt more powerful and confident in my body, as well as my general presence outside of the practice. 

But within the last year my low-back pain progressively got worse and worse. I tried taking out backbends and spinal twists. Still I left class feeling worse than when I walked in, and I knew that wasn't right. I feared pulling back in my yoga practice would mean losing my community and my sense of belonging. But I also knew that my body couldn't handle it any more-at least not for some time. 

So for the past four months or so I haven't stepped onto my mat once. It feels wrong. I sometimes so badly want to get on a mat and do sun salutations or inversions. I long for a hot sweaty class with pounding music and tangible energy. But it also feels right. In many ways I have lost that community and that sense of belonging. In other ways it's been a beautiful push to put myself out there in other arenas and to build my network. I've gotten more and more into photography. I've gotten into weight training with a personal trainer. I've listened to my body and my physical therapist and have healed so much already. 

I've always known the practice of yoga would be a life-long practice. Although my body isn't in vinyasa classes, I'm still meditating. I'm still using my breath to calm my mind and heart. I'm still practicing ahimsa (non-violence) by capturing spiders in my apartment and releasing them outside instead of killing them...

How you do anything is how you do everything. And I'm doing yoga whether or not I'm in handstand or at a desk. 

xxo

Sonoma

Two years ago we started a new tradition of a wine tasting weekend with the Boylan women. My Aunt Joanne lives in Santa Rosa and knows all of the wineries and shops. She's one of the most gracious women I know-always opening up her home and her heart to me and everyone else she meets. She's the first born of the six children in my dad's family of origin. She knows so much of the Boylan history, much of what my dad never experienced being ten years younger than her. I love hearing her stories of growing up and into adulthood. 

We started the day out at Jacuzzi Winery with olive oil tasting and wine tasting. The grounds are so beautiful. Lots of flowers and fields. Then it was on to Cornerstone, a fabulous shopping center with several different tasting rooms, a restaurant, boutiques for clothes and home decor, and gardens galore! 

It was a weekend full of family, friends, laughter, and vino...who could ask for much more?

xo

When Things Just Come Together

Last weekend I was invited to go camping with my friend Allie, and then three more of her friends I had never met. I have been so blessed by my new relationship with Allie, that I immediately jumped at the chance to hang out with her more and meet her friends. Let me just share something with you: I was not raised as a camper. So this is a big deal. I definitely went o REI and spent far too much money on "appropriate gear," and outsourced other necessities (hello sleeping bag) to my badass camping and backpacking friend Carolyn. 

We camped at Salt Point in Jenner, California. The drive was a bit long, and far too windy for my stomach's liking, but it was so freaking worth it. The ocean, the company of Allie and her friends, the food and s'mores...It was so perfect. I asked Allie to let the other women know I'd be bringing my camera and if they wanted to do a photoshoot they should bring a flowy dress, knowing we'd be by the ocean. Taylor brought the most gorgeous, crisp, flowing dress and whatever backdrop I had her in, she and the dress just popped. 

xxo

An Afternoon in Midtown

Over the weekend I met up with my friend Allie to walk around midtown with our cameras. We went to a couple garage rooftops, walked through the capital gardens, and finished off the evening with a good three hour conversation about all sorts of things. 

so grateful for this lady

xxo

McKinley Rose Garden

Man, migraines are not joke. I got hit hard with my first migraine Monday afternoon and it had me down for the count. It's been on my mind a lot lately the amount of time I spend on my computer and my phone, especially with how much photo editing I've been doing. I know I need to get a larger monitor to do my editing so that my eyes aren't straining as much. But this recent migraine-whether or not it was due to screen time-has me even more motivated to dedicate specific, limited time to picture editing and social media.

Last Friday I got to photograph a friend's sweet daughter. She recently got her braces off and this photo session was a gift to celebrate it. I remember when I got my braces off and wanting to cheese in every photo op. It was so nice to work with MacKenzie. She was focused and open to my direction. She was silly and genuine, and she brought her own ideas and style. 

xxo

Darling

A couple years ago on a weekend trip to Seattle I discovered Darling Magazine. Darling is all about "the art of being a woman". None of their models are retouched. There are various body shapes and sizes; races and ethnicities. The articles in Darling are thoughtful and meaty-I've learned something about myself with each issue. 

With that being said, actually reading through each one is a lengthy process. When I first starting reading Darling I was still in school, reading endless articles and writing masterfully b.s.'ed papers...I hardly had time to relax and take a breath, so reading for myself wasn't a high priority. But now that I'm basically unemployed and in the final stages of my thesis, I still find myself turning to Netflix or HBO instead of reading. It's one of those things that are so good for you, but also not your first instinct because we so often deflect and self-sooth by distracting ourselves. 

With the most recent issue of Darling I'm doing my best to dive in. I was reminded of why I love it so much. It's a magazine for women. It's about both challenging and uplifting the reader. Darling is about learning and growing and knowing yourself and being comfortable with your self. It's little, but I love the fact that they use feminine pronouns. One day, I would be so honored to work for Darling. It encompasses everything I'm about: connection, creativity, femininity, and sense of self.

xxo