I recently participated in the show Mortified in San Francisco and Oakland. It was such a beautiful experience. I learned about the show through my therapist after bringing in some journals to session to reflect on in the work we were doing. While the entries I shared in the Mortified show were light and funny, there’s a darker thread through my journals of religious fear, guilt, and shame. It weighs really heavy on my heart. I’m finding ways to process it and move through it. One of which was to write a letter to my younger self. I imagined writing it to my 20 year-old self, or somewhere around that age. I’ve shared bits of it with my therapist or friends. By sharing the full letter here, I hope it touches someone else or inspires them to write their own letters to younger selves.

Thank you

My sweet self,

Thank you for enduring what you did. Thank you for staying alive. for enduring such loneliness, confusion, pain, desire. You survived. You’re putting in the work to make it to me one day.

I’m so sorry

I don’t think I can state this enough: I’m so sorry for the struggle you’re enduring because of the religion you were raised in. It’s not fair. It’s not okay. It’s caused you to question yourself. It’s put impossible expectations on you to live like Christ, to be an example of god in everything you do. Sweet one, you’re human. You’re a teenage girl/young woman. You will get mad. You’ll get angry. You’ll be judgmental. You’ll think you have all the answers. All of that is developmentally appropriate, not something to be ashamed of.

I don’t think you’ll receive this with joy or encouragement right now, but I’m still going to say it: Christianity is holding you back from experiencing so much of life. It’s okay to make mistakes, to fail, to fuck up. You do not have to be perfect. There’s no way you ever could be. Be respectful of others and as kind as you can be. Beyond that, do what you want. Try new things.

I’m so proud of you

It’s a simple as that: I’m so proud of you. I’m proud of you for working multiple jobs to be able to pay all of your bills (although I wish you didn’t have to). I’m proud of you for pushing through in undergrad when you hated school. Here’s a spoiler alert - you went back to school…TWICE. You currently hold a bachelor’s degree, a Masters of Arts, and a Masters of Science. I know, “who is she??” You’ll know her one day and be so proud of her, too.

I’m proud of you for trying to be good and do good. You’ll learn in the future you don’t have to try as hard as you have been. You can rest. You can be yourself and that is more than enough, love.

I’m proud of you for listening to your intuition. People and institutions may have tried to silence it. But her voice is strong. You’re learning that she is your truest guide. It’s scary to question things. It’s scary to change. I’m so fucking proud of you for making space for those things.

You are so insightful

This insight comes from within. It’s that inner voice, your intuition. You do not follow blindly. You are beginning to open your heart and mind to other ways of thinking, of moving through the world and experiencing the world and others. Despite the hold Christianity has on you right now, you have shown and will continue to show great strength and discernment. These changes will leave you feeling alone, scared, separate from others. These changes will also leave you feeling powerful, educated, more settled in who you are, and hopeful for the future.

Trust your gut, Kelly Glenn. Listen closely. Be brave.

I’m angry for you

When you begin to deconstruct your faith in a few years, you’ll enter into a relationship with anger. And you’ll stay in this anger for years to come. That’s okay. Anger is not a bad or negative emotion. And there are plenty of things to be justifiably angry about (and things that are less justified, but also important to feel and explore). I’m angry you didn’t get to experience so many parts of adolescence and young adulthood because of the parameters set around you by your faith. I’m angry at the ways the world, secular and religious, taught you to think and feel about gay people.

When I read your journals, I so clearly see the influence of religion in the ways you interact with yourself and with others. And it makes total sense. There are aspects of Christianity that feel good. You’re following your parents’ lead, especially your dad’s. You love the worship music. But as you get older, and as you get further away from the faith, the anger builds up with worship music in particular. It begins to feel like you were manipulated with music. Dark room, loud, sweeping music and lyrics about love and unworthiness yet acceptance.

This is one of the things that you struggle with in your teens and twenties, but don’t quite see yet - how can you be unworthy, a sinner, only saved through Jesus’s sacrifice on the cross (and your rejection of sin and acceptance of him and the Holy Trinity), and also unconditionally loved. Yet you have to repent time and time again and turn away from sin. But god’s love is enough. But you’re a sinner and can’t save yourself. And there’s only one true god, only one way to heaven. Do you remember crying about your 5th grade teacher not being in heaven with you when you die because he’s Mormon? I know the current fear and pain in your heart when you think about Liz going to hell because she’s queer and not following god.

I’m so angry that your sweet, tender, loving heart experienced that turmoil. And angry that you felt this immense pressure to witness to them and bring them to Christ. It’s such an unfair pressure to put on someone, especially a little girl. My heart breaks for you. It rages for you. I long to hold you, the way you so deeply, deeply desire to be held.

You are truly doing your best - You are working so hard - You can show emotions - You don’t have to be perfect

Life is hard. You’re in the hardest years of your life right now. I know the days often feel endless. No one truly knows you or sees you, yet you long so deeply for those connections. Know that you are doing your best, Kelly Glenn. You are working hard on school, to provide for yourself, to show up for others.

I want you to know that you can show your emotions. They don’t all have to tumble out in your journals. Be brave. Trust others. Trust yourself. You don’t have to be perfect. There’s no way you could be. Perfection doesn’t exist. Others may seem like they have their life in order, or more confidence in themselves and their paths. But no one truly does, not at your age at least. And if you did have it all figured out, how boring would that be? To stop growing and developing at 20? It’s painful, but it’s better than the alternative.

You are so beautiful, Kelly Glenn

Your body is beautiful. Your soul and spirit are so beautiful. Your worth and value are not dependent on how thin or conventionally pretty you are. Truthfully, your worth and value are social constructs. As you get older you will start to question things like this - roles and expectations put on you by the society you live in. Lean in to your relationship with yourself, with your intuition. The way you see yourself is what matters most. There will be days you feel awful, disconnected from self, uncomfortable in your body. There will be far more days of loving yourself, your body, your style, the way you move through the world. Focus on those things.

You are so brave

You face anxiety every day and will continue to learn ways to move through it. It won’t go away. But you will get stronger and wiser. There are really difficult and dark days. There are also really wonderful and joyful days.

Women are fucking beautiful. Point blank. And fucking beautiful in a sexual and romantic way, too. You are a lesbian. I know that’s maybe one of the worst things you could think of being. But it’s true. And it’s beautiful. It’s holy. It’s right. You have been lied to by those you trust and those you were taught to trust the most. To be queer is one of the greatest things about your life. It means you can question everything. It means you can shift and change. There is no one way, one mold for being queer as there is for being straight & Christian. You will feel the most at home you have ever felt with a non-binary person. I’m sure your head just exploded. You don’t even know what non-binary means right now. But they will love you so beautifully. The relationship will end. But you won’t. You’ll continue to grow and learn, to shift and change.

In the queer community you will find your place. You will find people who actually live like Jesus, standing up for those that are most marginalized (I know, another term you don’t know) and the least of all. You will go to protests and rallies for Black people, POC, women’s rights (yeah, you believe in a person’s right to choose now), GAY RIGHTS (because you are gay), Palestinian rights, and others. You feel so comforted being at these rallies and marches. These are your people. This is how you make the world a better place.

You are making a beautiful life for yourself

I know the days are incredibly long right now. You have enormous responsibilities and pressures. Loneliness, anxiety, and overthinking consume you. I know you’re tired. Keep going. Keep learning more about yourself, the world around you, and the world beyond you. While I wish I could do things differently for you, there is nothing to do beyond writing this letter with the hopes of healing some parts of you that remain in me today.

The things you are going through now are pushing you forward to me today. You are making a beautiful life for yourself. Here are some of the highlights:

As mentioned above, you have two masters degrees, one in child development, and one in counseling. You’re currently a marriage and family therapist. You finally feel like you’ve found your life-long career. And you’re a good therapist, Kelly Glenn. You work with teens and are repeatedly struck by the honor that it is to work with them, to hear their stories, to hopefully play a small part in their awareness of mental health.

You are a lesbian! You uncovered this part of yourself about 5 years ago. In that time you’ve felt such love and support from friends and most of your family. You’ve kissed and slept with many people. And the beautiful thing about that, well, beyond the connection and orgasms, is that you feel no shame, no guilt. It’s astonishing. You were a victim of purity culture and homophobia. Yet each time you’re with a woman, with other queer folks, you feel at peace. Being queer will bring you such joy. Being queer brings you a new community, with support from others near and far.

You’ve had one serious relationship. You won’t understand right now, but you’ll meet them through an app on your phone called TikTok. It’s wild. They live in Seattle and you’ll date long distance for 15 months, flying back and forth. You’ll feel love drunk from kissing them, and it will be one of your favorite experiences in this life. You’ll fall in love with them, and Seattle. You’ll learn more about yourself in relationship with them. But you’ll learn even more about yourself after the relationship ends. It will be one of the deepest experiences of pain you’ll encounter. Friends and your older brother will show up for you in ways that touch and help your heart begin to heal. And despite the pain and depression, you’ll hope for love again. I’m so proud of our current self for that.

You’ll move to midtown in 2019! It’s fantastic living here. Especially in the apartment you moved into just about a year ago. Get this: you have a washer and dryer IN UNIT. And a balcony! One thing that hasn’t changed is your attention to curating a warm and inviting space for yourself. You feel so at home in each apartment you’ve lived in. Others often note this when they come over. And it’s a good thing, considering you spend so much time at home.

You’ve traveled abroad many times at this point - and mostly solo! To England (three times), Scotland (once), Paris (four times), Ireland (once), and Amsterdam (with the LDR). It’s amazing.

You’ll fall in love with film photography, sewing, and a myriad of other creative arts. It makes me happy to reflect on how creativity has always been a part of our life.

I hope you can find some relief in these words.