There are so many unanswered questions in this life. I think more than the pain of heartbreak or loss, more than the confusion of big changes and new directions, more than all of that, the hardest part is not knowing why.
We run ourselves ragged replaying scenarios, conversations, and relationships in our minds. I have this hope, that when I die, and I get to heaven, God will lay out my entire life before my eyes. I'll see everything that happened in a way that only God could understand. Why did I always feel just on the perimeter of popularity and friend groups and struggle so much with loneliness? Why did I stay in Sacramento for college and not go off on another adventure in a new city? Why is it taking so long to find a life partner? Why did I lose the connection to three of the most important people in my life?
I started practicing yoga about eight years ago. Over and over again I find myself coming back to the practice for respite. Although I am not practicing vinyasa right now, I still teach, and I practice the mindfulness I've learned through the practice.
I ran into someone I haven't seen for over a year recently. Our relationship ended quite abruptly and confusingly for me. I saw this person on my way to teach yoga and was immediately filled with adrenaline and anxiety. Do I wave? Do I pretend to have not seen them? Did they see me and have feelings of...anything? Initially I was frustrated that I had to be on my game to teach a yoga class. But then as I settled into the first few minutes of the practice I became thankful. I was thankful for the seventy five minutes of that practice that allowed me to shut off that noise and questioning of "why" in my mind.
I can't say that I'll ever be at peace within about everything that happens in my life. But I will say that I have faith in the idea that one day I will see why things happen the way they do. Sometimes we get these answers here on Earth, but some things I think are just too far out of reach of our control. My current practice is letting go of that need to control everything and to have an answer for everything...
This will undoubtedly be a life-long practice for me.