New Year Reset

There’s something incredibly soothing about the mountains, the water, the nature and wildlife of Northern California. Pt. Reyes and Bolinas have been safe spaces for me over the years, drawing me back time and time again. I spent the days around New Years in a sweet little Airbnb in Lagunitas and it was a truly restorative time.

I shot through three rolls of film, spent time at the beach, made good food, watched Widow Clicquot while drinking Veuve Clicquot, practiced yoga by a fireplace, and had plenty of opportunities for birding.

The morning before I left for Pt. Reyes I had a really difficult therapy session. My anxiety levels had been high for several days prior to session, as it led up to a difficult day for me. There were moments of self-judgement for being so overwhelmed, along with moments of knowing I have grown, processed, and moved through really difficult things.

In that session I also read out loud my resolutions, hopes, and goals for the new year ahead. The financial goals were easy to share. The hopes of my heart were more difficult to share. There are so many things I can’t control when it comes to matters of the heart, and I don’t do well with feeling out of control. I can hope for, yearn for, and desire fun dates, deep partnership, love and adoration. And I need someone else for those things to come true (yada, yada, yada, self-love, self-compassion. I know I’m not made whole by someone else. I could live the rest of my life single and have a wonderful, beautiful, fulfilling life. This post isn’t about those things.).

One of the reasons I shared my hopes with my therapist, and am sharing them here, is because I believe in the power of words, of speaking hopes and dreams into existence. As scary as it is, perhaps by being more vocal and vulnerable with what my heart wants, the Universe will help me along in finding those things.

In 2025

I want to challenge myself to not get overwhelmed with fear that I won’t be in a romantic relationship again. I don’t know how to fight those fears, but I want to learn how to.

My worth, my value, my existence - these things aren’t better or worse for being single or partnered. Intellectually, I can believe in that. Emotionally, I don’t know if I’m so steady. I fully believe I’m not made whole by another person. I am whole today, as I was at any point in my life leading up to this moment, and extending into every future moment of self. I do believe, though, that my life would be richer with someone else.

I want to be wanted. I want to be desired. I want to be seen, supported, championed, challenged. I want to look at my person and be enamored, to be turned on, to be proud of who they are. I want to build a life with someone. I’m so tired of doing it on my own.

How do I conjure this hope? The fear of speaking it and not getting it is enormous. It feels as if I speak it and don’t get it, it must reflect I don’t deserve it. My brain knows that’s not true. My heart wonders where she learned that from.

In 2025 I hope my heart is open to new experiences, fun dates, flirting, and adventures. Whether it’s a season of dating around, or locking down a long-term relationship…I just hope it fucking happens.

It's Just a Ride

I recently heard, “Just a Ride,” by Jem for the first time in at least a decade and it brought me back to my high school and early college days. Although I’m grateful for streaming services like Spotify, there is something to reminisce about T.V. shows like The O.C. bringing new music from small bands to the mainstream. I remember buying the Smallville soundtrack and playing, “Lonely Day,” by Phantom Planet over and over again. I also might have performed a contemporary dance to, “Everything,” by Lighthouse at church youth group…And now I’m a raging lesbian. How things change!

Now let’s thread the needle with these photographs and these words…I took a ride on Amtrak to Berkeley the day after Thanksgiving to get a tattoo at O Tattoo in Oakland. I think I’ve made this a tradition, as I also got a tattoo the day after Thanksgiving last year in New York.

I love taking the train. I got up early to catch the train at 6:55am, and while I did not enjoy the early morning, the sunrise on the train more than made up for the early alarm.

I stopped at Way Station for coffee and breakfast, then made my way to the studio, where I had my appointment with Sago Dripp. Her work is so beautiful and I had a great experience with her. The self-portrait I attempted perfectly cut off the actual tattoo, but Sago created a beautiful pansy piece for my right upper arm. And I made it back to Sac by 5pm to see my siblings and work at the brewery!

girls girls girls

I spent a weekend recently in San Francisco to attend West Coast Craft (WCC) and see Raveena and Tinashe in concert at the Warfield. I had never attended WCC. I brought home many stickers, prints, a zine, and new perfume, all from women and non-binary artists.

Raveena was a dream - everything I wanted in her show. It felt etherial and tender. And while I only knew one or two songs from Tinashe before the show, I’m now finding my playlists stacked with her music.

Struggle

It’s difficult to put into words my thoughts, feelings, fear, and grief with the outcome of the 2024 presidential election. It’s surely put a greater challenge in my life right now. I’m thankful for community to be in grief with, to have people around me that understand my fears and pains because they have the same ones themselves. I am hopeful that heaviness will one day turn into energy for action and activism. For now, I need to allow myself to lay low, to hermit and care for myself, to check in with community when I can and show them support as well.

Film has always been an outlet for me - for the highs and lows and everything in between. Here are a few scans from a roll I’ve been shooting for the past month or so…

Experimental Film at the Museum

September 18th, 2024 at the Crocker Art Museum. Harman Phoenix 200 iso, shot on my Canon AT.