San Francisco
From a weekend in San Francisco, January 2019.
Shot on Canon AT 1, 35mm lens, Portra 400.
xxo
On Death and Dying
Several months ago I read Smoke Gets in Your Eyes, by Caitlin Doughty. Caitlin had a fascination with death and what happens after you die, whether it’s embalming, cremation, or other rituals and practices. She worked at a crematory in her early twenties, and her book chronicles those experiences. Caitlin is able to balance both whit and humor with sincerity and respect for the dead (and the living). Until I read her book I didn’t know much about what happens to the physical body after death. I knew that dying was expensive. I knew you could be six feet under or cremated and scattered. But there is so much more to it.
Our American culture is so death avoidant. We usually talk about someone “passing” instead of dying. Even this simple example of semantics has a huge impact on how we feel about death. I used to watch Downton Abbey, and there is a line from the Dowager Countess, played so beautifully by Dame Maggie Smith, that has always stuck with me. Another character is referring to the “loss” of their husbands. The Countess replies that she hasn’t lost her husband, he has died.
On December 20th, 2018 my grandmother died. She fell in her apartment on the evening of December 15th and hit her head. She spent the next five days in the hospital and was unconscious for it all. Those five days were some of the most excruciating of my life. It was incredibly difficult to see my grandmother in the hospital bed, because it didn’t really feel like her. But the thing that troubled me the most was the idea of her being scared right as she was falling. Or, was she conscious on the inside in that hospital bed and afraid of death that was right around the corner? Did she feel all alone? or did she know that we were right there with her?
I come from a Christian family and grew up believing in heaven and hell. At this point in my life I’m not quite sure what I believe in. But I do know that even when I believed in the reassurance of heaven and the afterlife I was terrified of death. Belief in spending eternity with God in heaven is supposed to bring reassurance and hope. For me, the idea of eternity, of things never ending, was a great source of anxiety.
My grandmother is the first person in my life that I have truly loved that has died. I know that I am fortunate in that I am almost thirty and this has just now happened. I also know that as time goes on I’ll be hit with sadness about her death at certain times. I wrote a letter to my grandmother last year while away on retreat. In it I expressed my fear of her dying. She has given me so much in this life far beyond her love and affection. She put me through college, both undergraduate and graduate school. She has supported me financially in a million different ways. She has encouraged me in my adult years as I search for my career path. She comforted me in the best way she knew how when I went through the loss of relationships in my life. I wish that I could give her the gift of watching me get married, having children, and achieving more goals.
My grandmother, wise and practical as she is, set everything up for her death. She wrote out instructions for my mother (an only child and sole caretaker of my grandmother) back in 2010. She paid for her own cremation and dictated where she wanted her ashes scattered. Reading Caitlin’s book, and then watching my mom go through the process of dealing with the body after death was very odd and informative. It was also strangely comforting.
What it all comes back to
Everything comes back to that insecure feeling of not being enough. Not cool enough. Not pretty enough. Not desirable enough. Not enough.
Brene Brown often talks about scarcity, and how we make decisions and do things in life out of fear of not having or being enough. To me, this especially plays out through social media. I feel a need to post content, do cool things, become popular and well liked (literally and figuratively). For the last couple years I’ve done a New Year’s resolution to abstain from something for a year. Two years ago it was clothes shopping. This year it was alcohol. Next year, I’m thinking it’ll be no social media.
This is crazy, for a photographer who hopes to build her clientele, it feels like the exact opposite of what I should be doing. But it also feels so right. I spend so much time on my phone, outside of the present moment. And much of that time is dedicated to checking in on social media, whether it be Instagram, Facebook, or Snapchat. My soul needs the disconnect. My soul needs the disconnect from social media so that I can connect with my self and with real human beings. Starting January 1st, I’ll be social media free. The goal is a year. But this thing is fluid. I’ll leave room for change of heart and goals. But my hope is that it will make me more curious about the things around me, things far away, and things big and small.
I’ll be here posting - likely more than before since I wont have Instagram to post to. And I’ll be on email. So we’ll still be connected. Just not tethered as tightly. And that feels so freeing. Maybe in 2020 I’ll jump back on. For now, I’ll trust that the universe is looking out for me; she’ll bring me the things I need, regardless of my social media activity.
xxo
Roots Magazine, Volume 3 Excerpt
It’s here! Volume 3 of Roots Magazine is now available for digital download through the shop tab on my website. Here is an excerpt of one of the articles I wrote. Enjoy.
Did you know that the human brain is still developing until around the age of twenty five? Scientists and researchers used to believe that your brain was pretty much developed around your teens, but current research is revealing that the developmental period of adolescence goes on long after we leave our teen years. It’s true that our brain stops growing in size in adolescence, but the connections between neurons and the development of our different lobes continue well into our twenties.
While this may be new information for you, I’m sure you’ve heard the phrase, “you can’t teach an old dog new tricks.” Though our brains are more plastic in adolescence, you can still learn new things later in life. How else would we excel at our jobs, or build new, healthy relationships, or raise children, or do anything new in life? Our brains are more receptive to learning new things through adolescence and early adulthood, but it’s also important to continue that sense of wonder and learning throughout our whole lives.
Trying new and creative endeavors is one way to keep learning and growing. My current passion is photography. I started shooting digital images three years ago. I’d borrow a friend’s camera when I went on trips to Seattle or Portland (bless him for letting me borrow something I had no way of replacing if I lost or damaged it!). I eventually was able to purchase my own Canon Rebel, a wonderful crop sensor starter camera, and began working on the craft of portrait photography.
I reached out to other local photographers with questions and asked for advice. I started going to meet-ups and community events for creative people from a variety of fields. Not only was this a great way to grow my understanding of the craft, but it was a wonderful way to meet new people, to socialize, and to creative new friendships in my life. In fact, I met my best friend through Instagram just over a year ago. She’s a local illustrator, and an incredible person to have in my life.
I practiced with friends that I knew would be patient with me and supportive of my goals. My portrait photography skills have grown so much, along with my confidence. I still get anxious before each shoot. Will I make the client happy? Am I truly worth what I charge? What I’ve learned from my peers and mentors though, is that clients are hiring me because they like my work, they connect with my style, and they trust my abilities. I try to remind myself of this each time I work with a client, and to remove those thoughts of inadequacy as soon as they start to creep in.
I consider my work as a photographer as a side hustle. This, for me, keeps the endeavor sacred; I’m not dependent on it for my main income, so there is very little pressure to book jobs. I work full time at a local high school in the admissions department and love engaging with adolescent girls. I use my free time to shoot with other photographers, models, and friends, and appreciate the fact that booking clients allows me to pay for other passions, like film photography.
Old photographs, family heirlooms, long-standing traditions - I’ve always been interested in them. I love looking at photographs of my grandmother when she was a little girl, growing up in rural Oregon with her two brothers and mom and dad. I love all of the jewelry she’s passed down to me. It’s sweet to look through photographs of my parents when they were young and in love; when my own brothers and I were little and our family so young.
About eight months ago I decided to try my hand at film photography. I asked my dad if I could borrow his KS Super II. I remember being so nervous about that first roll and if it would even turn out. To be honest, I always have that sense of nervousness and eagerness with each roll, especially when I’m self-developing black and white film in a dark room.
One of the greatest lessons film photography is teaching me is about patience. My astrological sign is Capricorn, and I’ll share with you what that means about me: I’m hugely impatient. I love immediate gratification. I like to be in control of things. And I like for things to go my way. Film is teaching me to be patient from start to finish. Unlike a digital camera, you don’t get to see the image right away on a screen and adjust to reshoot if necessary. I’m reliant on someone else to develop my color film and digitally scan it. I want to be mindful of what I shoot, because with just 36 exposures, and about $30 total from the film to development to scanning, I need to use my money and shots wisely.
One of the things I love about film is that I know virtually nothing about it. There will always be something new to learn, a video tutorial to watch, a conversation with experts to have, and different techniques to try. My favorite thing to work on right now is double exposing images. I’ll first shoot scenery, maybe a building or tree, and then shoot a second image on top of it, like someone’s profile or a flower, and come out with two images stacked on top of each other. You really never know what you’re going to get, and that is part of the joy of it. Even the strangest outcome can be cool and unique.
My dad has reminded me throughout the years that we rarely get to do what we love as our main income. That’s not to say that we won’t love and appreciate our jobs. But more often than not, our greatest passion is not our main source of income. This is true for me. The work that I do with the girls I work with makes my heart sing. But my film photography is something that I do just for me. It will forever be a challenge, one that I meet eagerly and excitedly. It brings me joy, and a sense of accomplishment when I learn something new, or improve my work with double exposures.
Side hustles and creative outlets are so important to our mental and physical wellbeing. It can provide a secondary source of income, or simply a form of self-exploration and expression. What is your passion? What would you like to learn more about? Perhaps it’s photography like me. Maybe it’s learning a new language, working with a nonprofit or learning how to play an instrument. Whatever it is, throw yourself into it. Learn from those more experienced than you. Put yourself out there to meet new people and gain new experiences. I can assure you that you won’t regret it if you are following your heart and your passion.
This One Is For Brooke
I have always envied the people in my life who are experts in one field. My dad and older brother are experts in music. They’re the kind of people who know every band member’s name, every other band they’ve ever been in, and any other album they’ve been a guest on. My mom is an expert nurse. She found her passion when we were younger and has been in the same job for 20 years now and still loves (almost) every minute of it. My little brother is an expert in all things science and nature. He is a voracious reader and so smart.
I’ve always felt that I know a little bit about a couple areas of interest. I know a little bit about yoga through practicing and teaching. But I never dove deep down into the 8-limb path or the sutras. I know a little bit about sewing, a little bit about calligraphy, a little bit about water coloring, but I’ve never dedicated myself to hours of practice to really develop a skill. I even struggle sometimes with calling myself an expert in child development, even though I received my master’s degree in it this past May.
I spent this past Sunday in San Francisco with Betsy and Brooke. Brooke asked me why I hadn’t posted recently, and this is what I’ve come up with: I want what I produce here to be meaningful and thoughtful. Sometimes I’ll just post photographs, with a little background information about where they were taken. And sometimes that’s all I’ve got. But I think I hold back on posting because I don’t feel like I have something important to say or share at the time. I am not a fashion blogger. I am not a foodie, or exercise expert. I don’t have a wealth of knowledge to share on any one topic. But here is what I’m good at:
I’m a great friend. And in return I have a couple great friends that mean the world to me.
I am a great listener.
I am a good photographer. And I believe what will make me great one day is my passion for it and my desire to learn more.
I am passionate about community and connection.
I am good at listening to the girls that I work with and being a confidant.
xxo