Back At It

There's this natural ebb and flow to life that sometimes I understand and can recognize, and other times I know I'm unconscious and unaware of. Last summer I started focusing on writing in this platform regularly as a way to improve my writing, as a way of challenging myself creatively, and as a way to connect with others. Because of those initial motivations, I want my words and images here to be authentic and true to who I am. 

Last month I let several weeks go by without posting. In the moment I felt frustrated with myself that I seemingly couldn't keep up with posting. But the truth is, I didn't have much to say those weeks-at least not in a way that I knew how to convey yet. This week I've felt reenergized to create and produce. Writing has always been cathartic for me. I started keeping journals around the time of preadolescence. It's both embarrassing and hilarious to read back over those entries. 

As an adult now, the things I share in this platform are different from the more intimate things I write in my journals. But the things I write here are still honest and true to who I am. And of that I am proud. Brene Brown has written and talked about the fact that she doesn't share her stories with those outside of her immediate circle until she has worked through them and no longer needs validation or a certain response from those she's sharing with. It's an incredible concept that I think straddles the line of honesty and self-preservation perfectly. It's important for me to show up authentic and real-to not create an image of perfection or having my life together (clearly no one would think that about my life with my posts as of late lamenting on my current job situation). But it's also important to guard your heart, at least to some degree. That way you know that your sense of self does not depend on someone else's reaction or interpretation of your life. 

xo

Shipwrecked

Celebration and stress abound right now for me! Isn't life exciting? Just finished my long-term substitute preschool teacher assignment last Thursday. This week the district I work for is on spring break, so I've got a couple days to catch up on all things related to my thesis (lord help me), and maybe even read a bit for pleasure (read: I am 95% sure that I will in fact neglect my thesis and instead watch Netflix. I am very good at this process). 

At this point I feel like I'm back at square one, trying to figure out where my next paycheck will come from. There are exciting things on the horizon, but they won't come into play until summer. So in the mean time, I've got to let go of my ego and find a way to make it through to June. 

I'm reading Self-Compassion, by Kristin Neff, right now at the advice of my therapist. I don't think I realized until this year how harsh I am with myself. I've got incredibly high expectations for where I should be in life right now, and I judge myself immensely for not being "there," wherever the hell that may be.

Once we fall into the trap of believing that things are "supposed" to go well, we tend to think something has gone terribly amiss when they suddenly don't. Again, this isn't a conscious thought process, but a hidden assumption that colors our emotional reactions. If we were to take a completely logical approach to the issue, we'd consider the fact that thousands of things can go wrong in life at any one time, so it's highly likely-in fact inevitable-that we'll experience hardships on a regular basis. But we don't tend to be rational about these matters. Instead, we suffer, and we feel all alone in our suffering. 

-Kristin Neff

I'm learning a whole lot about compassion these days, for myself and for others. I suppose that's how we learn best in this life-through experience that includes both heartbreak and joy. Through patience and perseverance I'll find myself on the other side of this season of feeling stuck-of feeling shipwrecked. 

xo

Bringing it Back

My childhood was filled with music. My dad is a musician, my mom would put on Bryan Adams as we cleaned the house and danced around...So many memories are tied to music for me. We used to listen to music most nights as we sat down for dinner. My dad had the radio on in the garage as he worked on the yard. Some weekends my mom would wake us up by blasting music and we'd start the day off with a dance party.

Music is an incredible coping strategy for me. When I'm high, when I'm low, when I'm somewhere in between. When I need to cry or move through my pain. When I need to laugh or feel silly. I'm forever grateful to my parents for instilling a love of music in my childhood. As I'm moving through the emotional trauma of losing the connection to the kids I nannied, I've noticed myself turning to those oldies I listened to growing up. I have a specific playlist on my Spotify for this (@kellygboylan). 

The iconic, "In the Air Tonight" from Phil Collins with the powerful drum section gets me every time. (Side note: not only does it help me cope with my sadness and anger, it also has the ability to make me laugh because I think of the Cadbury Egg commercial with the gorilla playing that drum solo). Tina Turner's "What's Love Got To Do With It," "It's Only Love," from Bryan Adams featuring Tina Turner, "I Can't Tell You Why," from the Eagles, "The Last Worthless Evening," from Don Henley...

Like the ocean, these lyrics wash over me and take my worries with them. There's something so visceral about listening to music and connecting to lyrics. It's a beautiful reminder that although we often feel completely alone and isolated in our pain (or really emotions in general), there are countless others out there who know the feeling as well. Although our triggers, circumstances, and degree of pain differ, the underlying human experience is the same. I find great comfort in that.

xo

Take Me To Your River

In the last few months I've discovered a deep love for Pt Reyes and its surrounding areas. It's close enough for a day trip, and far enough to feel the weight and pressures and anxiety of my day-to-day life lift. This old white barn is at Pt Reyes Station. It conjures up thoughts of a blank slate, of starting over. I feel like I'm in constant start-up mode...the natural way of things for a substitute teacher I suppose. It's both uncomfortable and reassuring at the same time. 

It's uncomfortable because I haven't quite felt like I've had a secure footing for a long time. But it's reassuring in the sense that it's impermanent...This assignment will end. This frustration with a specific student or circumstance will end. This feeling of aimless floating will end. 

And one day I'll find my more permanent job. One day I'll look back on this time and be able to appreciate all that it has taught me. In his book, The Wisdom of Insecurity, Alan Watts writes, 

But tomorrow and plans for tomorrow can have no significance at all unless you are in full contact with the reality of the present, since it is in the present and only in the present that you live. There is no other reality than present reality, so that, even if one were to live for endless ages, to live for the future would be to miss the point everlastingly.

Something that both Alan Watts and Eckhart Tolle address is the idea of resisting the flow of life being akin to resisting the flow of a river. I'm working on letting go of swimming against, fighting against, planning for and always looking forward or backward. I want to live with ease and flow with the river of life. 

xxo

Self-Compassion

Over the last three weeks (and for three more weeks moving forward) I've been leading a workshop on self-esteem with a group of about ten sixth grade girls. The main focus of the lessons so far has been on appearance ideals, expectations, how to avoid self-deprecating speech as well as redirecting conversation with friends when they start to tease others or belittle themselves...

It's been interesting because as I'm teaching these young women, doing my best to help them see that their worth is so much more than just their outward appearance, I've been catching myself looking in the mirror as I get ready for the day and lamenting over all of the things that are wrong/could be better. 

We all have these scripts inside our heads that tell us we should be skinnier, stop eating so much sugar, get to your mat more often, deny yourself the pleasures of food/drink/rest-all so that we can look better. We're convinced that if we look better from the outside, we'll feel better on the inside. But deep down inside I think we all know we've got it totally backwards.

We have to spend time on our inner selves before we can alter the outer self. And that transformation starts with being nice to ourselves. I recently read a guide for a couple of self-love meditations, and one of the suggested mantras really stuck with me: May I live a life of ease.

I'm working really hard right now on being kind to myself, and taking in the very themes and ideas I am trying to instill in these girls-beauty is so much more than from an outer appearance. It's so much easier to have compassion for someone else. It's easier to see the potential, the good, and the courage in others. It's far more uncomfortable to compliment yourself, to be happy with yourself as you are, and to be ok with being a work in progress. If we can muster up even an ounce of self-compassion, imagine how much more we could then give in offering to those around us. And what a beautiful, lasting impact that will make, my friends. 

xxo