On to New Adventures

I am now officially unemployed. What a strange feeling. I have worked since I was 15, whether it be part time in high school, multiple jobs through undergrad, nannying, substitute teaching, and most recently, for the past four years, in admissions at a private high school.

As I get ready to enter my third (and final) year of grad school, I’m unable to maintain a full time job while completing my fieldwork and taking four classes. I have always fantasized about being able to be a full time student. As I moved out at 19 and became responsible for my own bills, I never had that experience in undergrad. And as I went through my first master’s program I was still able to work 35 hours/week as a nanny.

The two master’s programs I’ve been in are incredibly different from one another. My child development program was research and writing focused. My current counseling program is more reflective and experientially based. Last semester we worked with real clients in the community for the first time. I had four clients that I saw each week via Zoom. This upcoming semester I will be expected to maintain 10 clients per week in order to meet my hours requirement. In addition, there is required supervision for two hours per week, along with seminar for two hours per week in the clinic’s main therapy modality. I’m so thankful for these supports. But it will also require a great deal of my attention and energy, and I know I will need to be mindful of how I spend my time. I am an introvert through and through. I know that alone time fills me up. Walks around the neighborhood help me decompress. Making things with my hands through sewing makes me happy. Shooting film helps me slow down.

Working full time, even part time, isn’t conducive to my schedule for this final year of school. I feel really ready to leave my job. Over the years it has become more difficult to reconcile my own thoughts and beliefs with my employer’s, as it is a Catholic institution. It is important for me to be able to speak my truth and to share that with others when asked. There are certain things I wasn’t allowed to talk about or share in my previous position without the risk of losing my job. Moving on to my fieldwork site will be a full 180 turn, as I will be working with the LGBTQ+ population and with peers and colleagues who are working towards similar goals as I am.

That being said, I’m also incredibly anxious about the fact that I’ll be living off of student loans. This next year will be a challenge for me to really stick to a budget and be super mindful of how I spend my money. But it’s also a welcome challenge, and one that I wish I had risen to years ago. I’m nervous to have more down time on my hands (at least until my semester starts at the end of August). I do best when I am busy. More space means more time to think and feel and while I generally try to lean into those things, too much of it can overwhelm me. I’m nervous about working with a population I’ve never worked with. But grateful to step into a queer affirming community and finding my place in it.

I’m incredibly grateful for the ability to be in graduate school (for the second time), and to have the support system and safety net to be able to leave my job and focus fully on school. I know not everyone has this opportunity and I never want to take that for granted.

Last of the Santa Barbara Film

Some Santa Barbara Sunshine

Dear Dylan Thomas,

I am beyond proud of you and impressed by you. Sometimes when I think about you going to UCSB and majoring in math I think to myself, how does his brain work? how am I related to someone whose thinking skills are so above and beyond where mine are? And then I remind myself, we each have our own skills, talents, ways of thinking and viewing the world. And I can honor our different experiences with joy and marvel at them both!

College is not easy. Moving away at 18 is not easy. You went the furthest (geographically) out of all three of us (I’ve still gone the furthest academically/degree wise. But I am sure it won’t take you long to surpass me there, either!), and that must have felt both freeing and terrifying. The struggle is good. In the thick of it, I often don’t see it that way. But when I start to come out of the fear and the worry, the anxiety and the self-doubt, I usually begin to see that the darkness is what helped me grow the most. I wonder if you have had similar experiences in your young adult life, particularly with your college experience.

What an honor it was to come down to Santa Barbara and celebrate your accomplishments! As you transition into the next phase of life, with your bachelor’s degree in hand, remember to be gentle with yourself and with others. Remember to keep your eyes on your own path. It will be tempting to compare yourself to others and the roads laid out ahead of them. But you have your own. One foot in front of the other. Walk, run, crawl, skip, pause, enjoy, be present. I love you so much.

Always,
Kell

Things You Might Not Think About

With my spring semester ending last month I have the much anticipated space to read the books that have been piling up on my shelf over the last semester. I recently finished Know My Name, by Chanel Miller. It took me a couple weeks to read, as each time I dove back in I found myself crying with and for Chanel, for myself, and for all women, really.

In January of 2015 (on my birthday, actually), Chanel was sexually assaulted on the Stanford campus. This book is her account of what happened to her, what she went through in the court system, how this violation impacted her and her family, and how she found her power again and a connection to others through her experience and her words. So often while reading I cried for her pain, the desire she had to protect her younger sister from all of the trauma and damage, the women and care teams around her after the assault and during her court proceedings. Chanel powerfully called out the disconnect between how victims are treated and alleged perpetrators are treated. And the way women are judged and told to change to avoid sexual assault and predatory behavior from men.

What I love about this, and what I’ve also felt for so long, is that she is pointing out how fucked up that is. Her experience in a small town on the east coast particularly struck me. She was going to art school for a time and was without a car in a small town. She recalled walking everywhere and not a single day going by that she wasn’t harassed by men calling to her from their cars or walking straight up to her and invading her physical, mental, and emotional space, already so tender and disjointed from her assault. Her boyfriend, living in another city at the time, was concerned and told her he would pay for her to get a rental car to drive back and for to classes in. After initially agreeing, Chanel then realized, why should I give up my walks, this time to think and potentially heal and explore this new living space, when I’m not doing wrong?

We tell girls and women to cover up, to act a certain way, to never go somewhere alone, carry keys as if they were a knife, have a rape whistle or other alert system at the ready on your phone. We are always on the defensive.

In the world of online dating I have felt an increasing amount of anxiety. One of the main reasons I download then delete it so often is a fear of the men on it being able to see my photos and neighborhood and then potentially stalk me, or even just approach me when I don’t want them to. I recently matched with a guy and we had been messaging in the app for a couple days when he asked me about my film photography work and if I had an Instagram. Before really thinking about it I gave him my handle. The rest of the day went by without him replying and I started getting anxious. My last name isn’t listed when I match with someone, and I don’t have any other specific information about where I live or work, so it would have been hard to find me on social media just based on my first name. But now he had my Instagram handle, which was public, and shared a whole lot more of my life than those six pictures and two dumb prompts on the dating app. I unmatched with him and switched my accounts to private. And what a shame that is, to have to change something about myself out of fear of what another might do. He could be a perfectly normal man who would never harm another. But I have been trained to be weary of men and conscious of how I present myself 24/7. I wouldn’t even think twice about giving a woman my Instagram handle, whether it was a romantic interest or platonic. It doesn’t matter. There isn’t an inherent danger from other women. We know the danger we constantly feel around us and would never subject another to it.

Things need to change. Our society needs to change. We cannot question victims of assault or abuse to see if they did something to deserve the violence or encourage the pass. We need to raise our boys (and girls and every gender) to respect boundaries and ask for consent. We need to teach our girls not to apologize for saying no, or for drinking and getting drunk, or for enjoying themselves. Our existence is not an open invitation for others to do what they please with our bodies and our souls.

Nurse Boylan

It seems very fitting to me that National Nurse Appreciation Week and Mother’s Day are the same week because my mom is stellar at both. I am blown away by her ability to pursue nursing school while a mother of two small children. She worked so hard, and took the long road, so that she could remain present for us while also pursuing her passion. The fact that she has been in her current role for the entirety of her career (over 20 years) is beyond impressive. My mom has worked hard to prove herself, to keep the doctors in their place, and to show compassion and empathy for the nurses she trains and patients she cares for (and their families).

This, I believe, is how she approaches motherhood, too. My mom is empathetic and compassionate. She can call me (& my brothers) on our bullshit. She listens to our needs and has worked on asking us if we want advice, or just someone to listen. And now she’s been able to channel that care and compassion into Marley dog:) I love you, mom.