Last month my mom and I took a day trip to San Francisco to honor my late grandmother’s birthday. It was a lovely day filled with treats and walks, picnics and the bay. I even wore a dress I had recently made with the sewing machine she had gotten me for my eighth grade graduation (17 years ago!!).
Growing up we had a swimming pool in our backyard. The shape of it was similar to the shape of the state of California. We had a diving board and a slide (that, looking back, I’m quite shocked it never caused injury or harm to anyone, old and rickety as it was!). We’d get the slide going and sit on one of those rubber knee pads for gardening, just to get extra speed going down. My older brother and I spent (what felt like to us) hours in the pool during summer break. We always had a combined back-to-school swim party at the end of summer for our friends.
We also participated in swim team from the time we were about five years old, up until high school. I have so many memories of early Saturday morning swim meets, where the water was too cold for warm ups, but just right by the time our race came along and it was blazing hot. Many hours were spent perfecting my braiding abilities on willing friends.
Water has always felt holy to me. In the winter time, I take a bath most every night. Sometimes I’ll listen to music while I soak, other times I’ll watch a show or movie. And often times I’ll bring a crystal or two in with me to cleanse them and myself.
My memories are very vivid of when I was baptized. I grew up Evangelical Christian, and as such, you are supposed to decide when you are ready to be baptized and dedicate your life to the Lord. I was somewhere around middle school when I decided to do this. I was involved in the youth group at the church my family was going to, and a few of my friends and I decided to do it at the same time. The baptism coincided with an outdoor service, and the plan was to rent an above ground pool to do it in. Somewhere along the way, the pool did not make it to the church, and in a last minute scramble, they put a tarp in the back of a pickup truck and filled the bed of the truck with water. That’s right, I was baptized in the back of a pickup truck. And while I no longer identify as a Christian, I can still remember the cheers of the community around me as I came back up from under the water. It was such a beautiful moment to me.
There is something about water that is cleansing and comforting to me. It is life sustaining in the sense that you need to drink it to survive. But it is also life sustaining on an emotional and spiritual level for me. And then sometimes it’s made better by sharing in the experience with your best friend.
Six months ago I was feeling incredibly overwhelmed by my work/school/life balance. In the first three weeks or so of the spring semester I questioned by ability to work full time and be enrolled in 12 units of graduate work. My weekends were spent reading and studying and trying to catch up from the previous week. By about the second month of the spring semester, I felt like I was in my groove. I figured out my schedule, when it was a good time to exercise (more than I thought it would be or fit into my schedule. Movement is a lifesaver for me when I’m stressed and maxed out mentally), what hours of the day on the weekends I focused best on school work, and how to use my lunch breaks at work to decompress.
It is within this chaos and busyness that I find I actually thrive. I like having my days and weeks so structured. I like the feeling of productivity and checking things off of my list. This is precisely why quarantine, working from home, and summer break are such a struggle for me right now. Sure, I have the daily structure of working each day. But to roll out of bed and get on the computer is a much different feel from getting dressed up and walking into an office. And not having school work to focus on is challenging for me. It’s one less thing to distract from the things that weigh heavy on my heart.
I would say that work and school are positive distractions. After all, they’re each helping me get closer to my life and career goals. Without those, though, the distractions that are left can be quite damaging, especially when it comes to social media and endless scrolling. Several weeks ago I got so overwhelmed with the negative things I was seeing on my phone that I had to completely shut it off for a day. Last week, when I was up in Tahoe for several days, I barely even reached for my phone. It was so freeing to sit on the porch or at the beach and read, take photographs, or just take in the scenery around me. But now, being back home and back to my daily schedule, I’m finding it harder to resist picking up my phone and opening Instagram or the news. Strange, the way this unhealthy distraction keeps me coming back, even though I feel worse after having wasted time on it. I am learning to be more intentional with all of this open, free time I now find myself having.
One pleasant result of the current conditions we’re living in is that I have been reading a lot more. I recently finished a book by Anna Hope called Expectation. I loved this book. I don’t think I’ve ever read another book about women, friendships, and their transitions from youth to adulthood that felt more real or relatable. The story follows four friends as they grow and mature from childhood, through college, and into their thirties. They each encounter different struggles, and are faced with the expectations for how life would be, versus the reality they each find themselves in. Although each character has different struggles, there is something in each of them that I connected with, that I ached for, and that I was able to celebrate.
Clearly, no one expected COVID-19 to be what it is. When it first began, especially in those first few weeks of distance learning and working from home, I remember thinking (& hearing from others), I can’t wait for things to go back to normal. Well, we’re in the new normal. The new normal is wearing a mask. The new normal is being afraid to log on to social media or read news headlines and learn of civil unrest and division (spearheaded by our very own president). The new normal is also valuing the time spent with those that you love on a deeper level than before. The new normal is caring for other people by wearing my mask. The new normal is learning to be still, to be kinder to myself, and to find ways to continue to grow and learn.
