Dear Digital Diary,

July 09, 2019 by Kelly Boylan

Tonight I took a dance class for the first time in twelve years. I am not usually one that struggles with debilitating anxiety. I feel stress about finances, in social situations, and anxiety in regards to new environments. But for the most part, I can manage and get through it.

Tonight I had to do a lot of retraining in my mind. I danced in high school, but that was (what felt like) ages ago. And I never felt comfortable with improv or freestyle dancing. In fact, I felt paralyzed with fear by the idea of having to move on my own. Give me choreography and I’ll learn it and work on it. But ask me to move my body on my own, and I freeze up. Tonight I had to constantly work on retraining my mind to be open to the experience and to let loose.

Self-doubt crept up countless times. Would my back hurt after class? Could I remember the choreography? Would the other women in the class be looking at my like a fool? Everyone except for one was thinner than I am…

Although I don’t live with constant or paralyzing anxiety, I know that I live in my head too much. It’s difficult for me to drop into my body, into movement, into intuitive movement. Which is odd because I feel so in tune with my intuition, as far as listening to when she tells me to say no, yes, or where to go. But I guess that’s more directional, more black and white. And movement, dance, connection, that’s feeling, not thinking.

The dance class, over all, felt like a success. The success was in simply making it to the class and lasting the whole hour. I picked up the choreography. I realized how out of shape I am in my legs. I talked myself down from tearing myself down and forced myself just to move, no matter how stupid I felt. I don’t know that I’ll ever truly let loose and feel free moving my body like that. It doesn’t come naturally to me. And perhaps it doesn’t come naturally to the majority of people. Maybe it’s the same trap we fall into with thinking that what people post on social media is the whole truth and nothing but the truth, when the reality is that it took a lot of work to get there.

What I do know is that I will never be perfect at anything. Perfection does not exist. Real talent and skill takes countless hours of mess ups and failures. Real life asks us to show up and be present. Real life is teaching me to be freer, to take myself less seriously, and to show up. Real life, in the moment, is where I want to be. And I want to be there with courage and excitement.

Nothing is Easy (+ Santa Barbara Roll #2)

June 05, 2019 by Kelly Boylan

I’ve recently gotten into the Netflix series Easy. It’s shot in Chicago and focuses on relationships, sexuality, and regular human experiences. This is why I love it so much. It almost feels documentary-like in that these are regular “people” going through everyday life, doing their best to navigate it.

The cast is amazing, with both actors I recognize and a slew of others I’ve never seen before. Creator/director Joe Swanberg gives the actors some general information about their characters and the motivation in the scene, but other than that, it’s a largely improvised style of story development and filming.

In one episode there is an exchange between two women. Sophie is in her mid 30’s and has just gone through a breakup and is contemplating moving to another city for a job. And Annabelle, in her 50’s, is single and contemplating her own career and relationship choices over the years. Sophie explains to Annabelle how unsure she is about the breakup and moving. Annabelle looks at her like the world is Sophie’s oyster. Annabelle still sees Sophie as young, with endless possibilities, and she says as much to Sophie. This exchange in the scene, at a bar over drinks that only lasts a couple minutes, made me think about relativity. What Sophie was going through was important and difficult; the depth of her anxiety and unrest was relative to where she was in life and what she wanted from life. So while Annabelle was 20+ years in the future and could tell Sophie not to worry, that things would work out, Sophie, in present day, can’t truly comprehend that.

Although it wasn’t explored and discussed in the episode, I’m sure Sophie probably looked at Annabelle like she had everything figured out, while Annabelle felt just as out of control as Sophie does. This is how I feel in life right now, particularly when it comes to talking to others about my desire for a relationship and children. People tell me that “the right one will come along,” that I’m “young and have so much time to have children.” But in this very moment, which is all we truly have, I feel miles away from any of that. I feel faithless in the idea that I will one day marry and have children of my own within the context of a “normal family.”

Nothing in life is easy, and the things that are important, that cause anxiety and unrest, that make us happy and invigorate us - they all are constantly shifting and changing. I’m working on doing my best to stay present, to feel it all. Years ago my mom told me, during the most difficult time for our family as my parents divorced, that if you worry about something and it doesn’t come to fruition, you’ve worried for nothing. And if you worry about it and it does come true, well then you’ve lived it twice over. I am choosing to move through emotion, to feel it, but to not let it control me or dictate my every move, especially the feelings of fear and insecurity.

Santa Barbara (Roll #I)

May 24, 2019 by Kelly Boylan

My mom and I drove down to Santa Barbara for Mother’s Day weekend to enjoy a break in the daily routine, the beach, and time spent with Dylan Thomas. Enjoy.