This One Is For Brooke

I have always envied the people in my life who are experts in one field. My dad and older brother are experts in music. They’re the kind of people who know every band member’s name, every other band they’ve ever been in, and any other album they’ve been a guest on. My mom is an expert nurse. She found her passion when we were younger and has been in the same job for 20 years now and still loves (almost) every minute of it. My little brother is an expert in all things science and nature. He is a voracious reader and so smart.

I’ve always felt that I know a little bit about a couple areas of interest. I know a little bit about yoga through practicing and teaching. But I never dove deep down into the 8-limb path or the sutras. I know a little bit about sewing, a little bit about calligraphy, a little bit about water coloring, but I’ve never dedicated myself to hours of practice to really develop a skill. I even struggle sometimes with calling myself an expert in child development, even though I received my master’s degree in it this past May.

I spent this past Sunday in San Francisco with Betsy and Brooke. Brooke asked me why I hadn’t posted recently, and this is what I’ve come up with: I want what I produce here to be meaningful and thoughtful. Sometimes I’ll just post photographs, with a little background information about where they were taken. And sometimes that’s all I’ve got. But I think I hold back on posting because I don’t feel like I have something important to say or share at the time. I am not a fashion blogger. I am not a foodie, or exercise expert. I don’t have a wealth of knowledge to share on any one topic. But here is what I’m good at:

I’m a great friend. And in return I have a couple great friends that mean the world to me.
I am a great listener.
I am a good photographer. And I believe what will make me great one day is my passion for it and my desire to learn more.
I am passionate about community and connection.
I am good at listening to the girls that I work with and being a confidant.

xxo

To the Point

I've written about the beauty of Point Reyes many times here. The first time I drove out there three years ago I went without a destination in mind. I happened upon a beautiful white barn, with nature all around, and a sense of immediate peace and stillness.  It's easy to get to from Sacramento, and makes for the perfect day trip getaway, especially when it's a nice twenty degrees cooler than Sacramento in the summer. 

xxo

Empty

I spent last week completely offline from Instagram. And although it was tempting during the slower times of my day to click open the app and browse through other peoples' lives, I managed to stick to my goal of a week without Instagram. 

Over the weekend, when I logged back on, it just felt...empty. And not in the way it does when you don't see a ton of notifications of likes or comments. It felt empty in the sense that looking at what other people were doing/posting didn't fill me up in any way. There are specific accounts, like @bymariandrew who inspires me with her creativity, vulnerability, and reliability. Then there are accounts like @broadcity that make me laugh and provide steady content to DM to my bestie.

But in general, I think deep down, looking at the lives and adventures, thin bodies and seemingly expendable incomes of others does more harm than good. There is this natural draw for our work to gain attention. As a photographer I want other people to see my work and validate it and connect to it and tell me I'm doing a great job as I learn and grow in my craft. I also desire for  others to want to work with me as I attempt to grow my business. It can feel overwhelming the amount of articles I read about different "side hustles," and the idea of turning the hustle into a full time job where you set your own hours and make your own rules and everything in life is fabulous. 

But as I grow older, I get more and more clear on this fact: things are not always as they seem. The glamorous lives of "influencers" are the exceptions, not the rule. More often than not we have to work a job that maybe isn't always fulfilling or stimulating. But it pays the bills. And it has its beautiful moments. However, when you're constantly looking through the fabricated lens of someone else's life, it's harder and harder to see with that clarity. 

Cultivating a sense of presence is something I will work on for my entire life. And life moves through seasons. Sometimes I love social media and the way it's brought people into my life, both personally and professionally. Other seasons I feel frustrated and empty about it. 

I'm hoping that by staying mostly off Instagram I'll produce more content here. It's a hard call to make as a professional photographer...I need to stay current and relevant and active on social media. But I also need to trust the process and know that the clients I'm meant to work with will find me through the right mediums. I suppose I'm in a season of turning inward, of letting my creativity serve myself first, and then others. It's exciting to think about the opportunity for chrysalis, for turning in and growing and reemerging. 

xxo

Up in the Air

I'm starting to wonder if we ever feel settled or satisfied with life. I am thankful that I can regularly identify moments of peace, of feeling like I'm exactly where I am supposed to be, of feeling it in my soul...But does that feeling ever last longer than a brief moment? 

I'm sure part of it is being able to cultivate those moments and draw them out. It's by way of being present and actively looking for the good in whatever season you're in. I recently learned a tip from Kristen Bell. She shared on her Instagram that when something gets her down, or angry, or makes her feel out of control, she counteracts that one thing by listing ten things she likes/loves/is grateful for. What an incredible practice. So, here it goes...

I'm frustrated that my contentment is fleeting and the feelings of living out my purpose are more rare than the monotony of the day-to-day.

I'm thankful for my job that I can rely on for income and affords me sick and vacation accrual
I love working with film from start to finish and that it's challenging me
I love that red nail polish makes me feel confident
I'm thankful for the home I've created in the apartment I've lived in for ten years
I love going on trips to Pt Reyes and San Francisco, especially when escaping the heat in Sacramento
I am enjoying learning more about Photoshop as I create a student handbook for the club I'm starting next year
I'm grateful to be done with graduate school
I like working at Madewell not only for the discount, but for the social aspect as well
I love the way these film photos turned out from my trip to the California State Fair
I love my mama

xxo

Jot it Down

I've been a fan of Letterfolk for a long time now. I use their letter boards for decoration in my house and on my Instagram feed. They also have a line of journals and notebooks, and I bought one back in May. I've never been a fan of the structured journals. I've been filling up empty journals ever since I was a pre-teen. But I noticed that once I got a smartphone and laptop, my writing time significantly decreased.

I used to spend my work breaks at Starbucks and Ettore's writing in my journal. A lot the entries are just summaries of what I'd been up to. Others are more emotionally charged with the bigger life questions and general teen and early adulthood angst and stress. But they were chronicling my life and I love being able to look back on them. 

As I've made writing in my journal less of a priority, I'm afraid I'm missing the smaller details of my life. My goal is to pass along my journals to my future children. The Letterfolk journal has jumpstarted that old habit of writing. Each entry is only a page long. It asks the same three questions each day, with the fourth question rotating, and short writing prompts about every seven days. The questions are as follows:

Highlight of the day:

What is worth remembering?

What was felt?

What are you grateful for?/What are you looking forward to? 

This abridged journal helps me close out each day. Sometimes the highlight is a conversation or event. Other times it's that my morning cup of coffee had the perfect coffee to cream ratio. Whether it's a big deal or something minor, I love that it gives me the time and space to reflect. I'm usually pretty worn out when I get into bed for the night, so the brevity of the entries allows me to jot something down without going into much detail. It's been about two months of writing in it nearly every night, and it's part of my bedtime ritual that I truly look forward to. 

xxo