Empty

I spent last week completely offline from Instagram. And although it was tempting during the slower times of my day to click open the app and browse through other peoples' lives, I managed to stick to my goal of a week without Instagram. 

Over the weekend, when I logged back on, it just felt...empty. And not in the way it does when you don't see a ton of notifications of likes or comments. It felt empty in the sense that looking at what other people were doing/posting didn't fill me up in any way. There are specific accounts, like @bymariandrew who inspires me with her creativity, vulnerability, and reliability. Then there are accounts like @broadcity that make me laugh and provide steady content to DM to my bestie.

But in general, I think deep down, looking at the lives and adventures, thin bodies and seemingly expendable incomes of others does more harm than good. There is this natural draw for our work to gain attention. As a photographer I want other people to see my work and validate it and connect to it and tell me I'm doing a great job as I learn and grow in my craft. I also desire for  others to want to work with me as I attempt to grow my business. It can feel overwhelming the amount of articles I read about different "side hustles," and the idea of turning the hustle into a full time job where you set your own hours and make your own rules and everything in life is fabulous. 

But as I grow older, I get more and more clear on this fact: things are not always as they seem. The glamorous lives of "influencers" are the exceptions, not the rule. More often than not we have to work a job that maybe isn't always fulfilling or stimulating. But it pays the bills. And it has its beautiful moments. However, when you're constantly looking through the fabricated lens of someone else's life, it's harder and harder to see with that clarity. 

Cultivating a sense of presence is something I will work on for my entire life. And life moves through seasons. Sometimes I love social media and the way it's brought people into my life, both personally and professionally. Other seasons I feel frustrated and empty about it. 

I'm hoping that by staying mostly off Instagram I'll produce more content here. It's a hard call to make as a professional photographer...I need to stay current and relevant and active on social media. But I also need to trust the process and know that the clients I'm meant to work with will find me through the right mediums. I suppose I'm in a season of turning inward, of letting my creativity serve myself first, and then others. It's exciting to think about the opportunity for chrysalis, for turning in and growing and reemerging. 

xxo

Up in the Air

I'm starting to wonder if we ever feel settled or satisfied with life. I am thankful that I can regularly identify moments of peace, of feeling like I'm exactly where I am supposed to be, of feeling it in my soul...But does that feeling ever last longer than a brief moment? 

I'm sure part of it is being able to cultivate those moments and draw them out. It's by way of being present and actively looking for the good in whatever season you're in. I recently learned a tip from Kristen Bell. She shared on her Instagram that when something gets her down, or angry, or makes her feel out of control, she counteracts that one thing by listing ten things she likes/loves/is grateful for. What an incredible practice. So, here it goes...

I'm frustrated that my contentment is fleeting and the feelings of living out my purpose are more rare than the monotony of the day-to-day.

I'm thankful for my job that I can rely on for income and affords me sick and vacation accrual
I love working with film from start to finish and that it's challenging me
I love that red nail polish makes me feel confident
I'm thankful for the home I've created in the apartment I've lived in for ten years
I love going on trips to Pt Reyes and San Francisco, especially when escaping the heat in Sacramento
I am enjoying learning more about Photoshop as I create a student handbook for the club I'm starting next year
I'm grateful to be done with graduate school
I like working at Madewell not only for the discount, but for the social aspect as well
I love the way these film photos turned out from my trip to the California State Fair
I love my mama

xxo

Jot it Down

I've been a fan of Letterfolk for a long time now. I use their letter boards for decoration in my house and on my Instagram feed. They also have a line of journals and notebooks, and I bought one back in May. I've never been a fan of the structured journals. I've been filling up empty journals ever since I was a pre-teen. But I noticed that once I got a smartphone and laptop, my writing time significantly decreased.

I used to spend my work breaks at Starbucks and Ettore's writing in my journal. A lot the entries are just summaries of what I'd been up to. Others are more emotionally charged with the bigger life questions and general teen and early adulthood angst and stress. But they were chronicling my life and I love being able to look back on them. 

As I've made writing in my journal less of a priority, I'm afraid I'm missing the smaller details of my life. My goal is to pass along my journals to my future children. The Letterfolk journal has jumpstarted that old habit of writing. Each entry is only a page long. It asks the same three questions each day, with the fourth question rotating, and short writing prompts about every seven days. The questions are as follows:

Highlight of the day:

What is worth remembering?

What was felt?

What are you grateful for?/What are you looking forward to? 

This abridged journal helps me close out each day. Sometimes the highlight is a conversation or event. Other times it's that my morning cup of coffee had the perfect coffee to cream ratio. Whether it's a big deal or something minor, I love that it gives me the time and space to reflect. I'm usually pretty worn out when I get into bed for the night, so the brevity of the entries allows me to jot something down without going into much detail. It's been about two months of writing in it nearly every night, and it's part of my bedtime ritual that I truly look forward to. 

xxo

Romy and Michele

I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I just watched Romy and Michele's High School Reunion for the first time this past weekend. From the opening song I knew I was going to love it and be able to laugh at it throughout the whole movie. And here's the thing: it would not have meant as much to me watching it in high school, or even five years ago, as it did watching it at this point in my life. In fact, last year marked ten years since graduating high school for me. Spoiler: I did not go to my reunion.

Here's what I loved about Romy and Michelle - they loved each other and lifted each other up. They were creative and funny, and despite the way others saw them in high school, they had a confidence about themselves. I also really loved watching a movie where social media didn't exist, and cell phones were a rarity. One reason why I didn't feel a need to go to my reunion was that if I truly wanted to know what my high school peers were doing with their lives, I could find them on the internet. The very small handful of friends I kept from high school are part of my life because I make the effort to connect in person and, yes, through text and social media. But the point is that I love them and want to maintain a real life relationship with them more often than just every ten years. 

I also love that they grappled with where they were at ten years post high school, and the desire to sound more important than they felt their jobs reflected they were. That's the huge thing about reunions, you want to show everyone else you are successful and have all the things - the partner, the wealth, the great job, etc. This need to impress others was actually a huge reason for me going to grad school. My ego felt bruised every time I ran into someone post college and shared that I was a nanny and yoga teacher. I thought I should be doing bigger and better things. Of course, in retrospect, I know I was right where I was supposed to be; I know I was changing the world through yoga and I know that raising children is probably the hardest job to do, especially when they aren't your children!

If I'm being completely honest (and why not, that's what the internet is for, right?), I am also embarrassed of the person I came across as in high school. I grew up Christian, and because of that I think I was very closed-minded about a lot of things. I am certain this came off as being judgmental and thinking myself better than those I went to school with. I am proud of the work I've done in my twenties to open my heart and eyes to others and the endless, beautiful ways of living this life. I don't want to be remembered as the "good girl" who tried too hard to be popular or well-liked by her peers. It's easier to leave that girl in the past. 

I love that this movie came out in 1997 and its main theme was female friendship. Sure, Romy and Michele fought over who was cuter, they squabbled over popularity and men for a moment, but they always came back to each other. The sweetest moment in that whole movie is in the high school flashback of senior ball, when Romy being stood up by the popular boy, and Michele offers to dance with her. At the end of the movie, when Romy and Michele become friends again, Michele shares that she never knew they weren't in the cool crowd; she never thought that their lives ten years after graduating weren't glamorous. She always had fun with Romy, and that's all that mattered to her!

xxo

Holding Space

When I went through my yoga teacher training about eight years ago, I learned something very valuable about the way we encounter other people’s emotions and how we typically handle them. I think it’s safe to say that for most people, when someone we know and care about is in pain, or frustrated, or confused, we do our best to comfort them by reassuring that everything will work out. The intention is to uplift and make them feel better. But what I learned in teacher training has changed my approach to handling emotions, both my own and those of others.

As we shared with the group intimate details of our past history, or things that were holding us back from showing up in both teaching yoga and in our everyday lives, we were told to resist the urge to reach out and touch the person who was sharing if they got emotional. The reason for this, our teacher said, is that it takes away from their experience of the emotion. It’s almost as if we’re sending a message that says, “it’s ok; you’re ok; you should overcome this emotion and be happy.” At first, as you’re reading this now, you’re probably thinking, Reaching out to someone when they’re crying just shows that you care. What’s wrong with that? You could very well be right. For some people, that physical connection could be the only touch they’ve received that day, and it could be vital to their healing. But let me explain it in another way…

I have never been in a romantic relationship...ever. Not even for a short couple months. At most I’ve gone on three dates with a guy. I am 29 & ½ and have never walked this road with an intimate, romantic partner, and I have so many feelings and emotions about that.

Sometimes I’m thankful to have lived my life without settling, just so that I could have a boyfriend. Sometimes I’m thankful I haven’t had a partner yet because it has allowed me to focus on school, on developing a strong sense of self, and it’s allowed me to make my own decisions without consulting the needs and desires of someone else.

Other times, I feel so overwhelmed with sadness and loneliness. I get into a spiral of negative thoughts: something is wrong with me that I haven’t ever dated someone seriously at almost 30; am I not enough - beautiful, intriguing, smart, funny - for someone to pursue me; am I so socially awkward that I’ll never meet someone that I can build a relationship with…

Typically, when I share with someone that I’ve never been in a relationship, they’ll ask me if I go out, or if I’ve tried the dating apps. They’ll ask me what I’m doing to “put myself out there.” As well meaning as those lines of inquiry are, I can’t tell you how much I hate them. I’m a millenial, of course I’ve done the dating apps and gone out on dates. I don’t feel comfortable out at bars, so no, I don’t go out at night time to meet people. I know, there are other ways to meet people, like maybe at a coffee shop. I love coffee shops! The only problem is that, in my experience, everyone is so into their phones and laptops and selves, that they rarely pick their heads up to look around.

There are a select few confidants I will share my more intimate fears and anxiety about dating and finding a life partner with. Recently, while getting back onto a dating app after deleting it from my phone for a couple months, I sent a couple screenshots of profiles to my best friend (as we do), and got myself spiraling out of control into a pity party. Like the beautiful human being she is, she reassured me that I am beautiful and wonderful and I will meet someone (or a few someones) one day. And in this exchange of texts with my best friend, I realized something: I know in my core that I’m beautiful, that I am interesting, that I am a good person, and that I will find someone.

But in that moment, I wanted simply to be heard and seen. I needed her to hear my sadness, to see my vulnerabilities, and to let me be in those emotions and in that moment of panic and sadness. Her reassuring words that I will find someone one day is like that hand reaching out in teacher training. It’s a well-meaning gesture, but it takes away from the feelings I’m moving through in the moment.

It takes a lot of courage for someone to share that they were abused as a child; that they’re an addict; that they have an eating disorder; that they are estranged from a family member; that they’re getting a divorce. That real, raw emotion and vulnerability should be met with space. I believe that it is our job to show up for the ones we love and care about and simply hold space for them to share, to vent, to begin to unpackage whatever it is that has them feeling their way through life.

There is a lot of shame and guilt wrapped up in what we identify as negative emotions. It takes a lot of courage for me to share with people that I’ve never been in a relationship. There is a huge fear that when I do, people will think there is something wrong with me, or undesirable about me. As I grow and mature I can more easily identify that these are lies I’ve been telling myself. And the more I share my story with others, the more it loses its power of shame over me. I so value the people in my life that hold space, that allow me to sift through the lies and find the truth. The truth is that I am beautiful, and fun, and desirable. We need more people in our lives to show up, hold space, and offer compassion and support simply by listening. And we need to find the courage to ask for it. 

xxo