Things I've Learned This Week

1. A couple weeks back, after subbing for several P.E. teachers at middle schools, I wrote that I learned middle school girls' locker rooms smell like at least a dozen different body sprays at any given moment. Well here's an update for you: so do adult women's locker rooms. I've been trying to use The Well, which is the fitness and health facility on campus at Sacramento State, more often and I've learned the same concept applies to grown women...damn you Bath & Bodyworks and Victoria's Secret! 

2. You gotta trust yourself, and not let fear of the unknown hold you back. You gotta stand on that ledge, and trust that the universe has you right where you're supposed to be. (I have a feeling this one is something I'll learn over and over and over and over again)

3. This week I've been on "vacation" since it's Thanksgiving Break for the school district I'm subbing for. I put it in quotations because I have mixed feelings about it. On the one hand, it's obviously nice to have some time off. On the other hand, my head is looking forward to the pay period that includes this week off without pay and causes much anxiety(see #2 above...over, and over, and over...). So I'll choose to enjoy the respite right now, and the space it held for me to go on a couple hikes this week.

xxo

An Exercise in Courage

I've never been much of an outdoorsy person. My family went camping once or twice growing up, but much preferred vacationing to Disneyland if possible. This past summer though I got my first couple experiences with day hiking, and even a short backpacking trip with an amazing group of women. Since then I've made it a point to try to get out more often, to explore and observe, and to quiet my heart and mind in these lovely, natural worlds of greenery and water, rocks and trails...

Yesterday I drove out to Yankee Jim's Bridge just past Auburn, California. I went alone, and experienced a great amount of fear and self-doubt starting with the 5 mile windy, unpaved road that lead to the actual bridge. The road was incredibly narrow; I didn't even know what I would do had car come up to me in the other direction. There were potholes and dips, uneven terrain and curves galore. I doubted myself in thinking I couldn't handle the road. I had images in my mind of my car getting stuck in a pothole and having to walk to get help and then getting abducted or murdered (I know, dramatic isn't it). But I kept pushing on. I kept letting go of those doubts, and when I got to the bridge, I felt such a sense of pride. I walked along a couple trails, also feeling fear and doubt and anxiety about being alone out there. But every once in a while another hiker would walk by, all very friendly and safe, and I started to settle more. 

I am so happy with the pictures I captured. But I'm even more thankful for the courage and bravery I proved to myself. 

xxo

Warning: Must Need Tough Skin to be a Preschool Teacher

Last week at work was chaotic to say the least. This long-term sub position has me in a preschool classroom that has already been through an enormous amount of change. Their lovely teacher has been out since the end of September taking care of her ill mother, and before I got to this class three weeks ago they had at least four other subs in between. Stability is important for most people, and when you consider the fact that these children are all roughly four years old, consistency and stability become that much more important. 

There's the well know phrase, "one step forward, two steps back," and I feel like those words couldn't be more true for this situation. I felt like some of the techniques I started using to keep them focused and at attention were working, and then they came back from a five day break and it was chaos again. This past week I narrowly avoided lice, (somewhat) handled an angry parent whose child had been bit by another, and finished up the last of my parent-teacher conferences. 

In other words, I'm so glad it's Thanksgiving break!!

(I am however, nervous to be on break and not be making money...So if you know anyone who needs a house sitter while they're gone on vacation for the holiday, help a sister out!)

xxo

Adulting is Hard

These past six months or so have been very tumultuous for me...I've gone through a huge transition from being a nanny and part of three children's daily lives to zero contact with them. I've been unemployed with ample time to see myself and my life. I've spent two gluttonous glorious weeks in New York City. I've bounced around from school to school substitute teaching. And most recently, I've been challenged to stay put in a long-term position as a preschool teacher.

As a preschool teacher, I've learned a couple things:
1. What my parent's taught me growing up will always be true: You never know what's going on in someone else's life. So many of the kids in this class come from families that mean well, but are so overwhelmed and under resourced that there is often stress and dysfunction in the home. Which of course overflows into the classroom and the children's behavior with their peers and adults. It's virtually impossible to get 20 children focused on you at the same time.
2. I am an expert in child development. I recently engaged in parent-teacher conferences (after working with the kids for four days...) and through these conferences I gained a new confidence about myself-my background in education and my common sense, as well as my ability to be genuine and connect with families. It felt very vindicating...to know that my time and (grandmother's) money was well spent on my degrees.
3. I do not want to work with preschool age children.
4. I do however enjoy the lesson planning process and diving into best practices, according to the things I've learned in my family studies and child development programs. This realization has me thinking about looking for a job that is based on curriculum building and/or research.
5. I am way harder on myself that I should be. I've heard over and over again that you need to talk to yourself as you would talk to a loved one. And for the most part I am pretty gentle with myself. But through this process I  have chastised myself for not being patient enough, for not being experienced enough, for not being engaged enough...
6. I am enough

All this to say, I so badly want to bail on this assignment. I want to run from the anxiety and the self-doubt and the feelings of iniquity. But I'm also trying to listen to the universe and accept that I am here for a reason-that there is something to be learned or gained (or maybe even released) from this whole experience...Until then, I'll dream of the light at the end of this daunting tunnel.

xxo

Oak Park Afternoons

Oak Park is definitely an up-and-coming neighborhood. It's brought up the interesting conversation regarding gentrification, and what that means for the existing community, and the one to come. New businesses bring jobs and money and a new culture. But I also think that gentrification causes problems for residents who have been in the neighborhood for generations, but now suddenly have huge hikes in their rent because the neighborhood population is changing. For the most part, though, I choose to look at it as a positive, and a way for different cultures, socioeconomic statuses, and traditions to come together and influence each other. 

xxo